When you suffer from infertility, it is astonishing just how many of your friends are able to get pregnant with minimal effort. It is even more astonishing that each time it happens, you somehow feel guilty. Although most would probably assume my guilty feelings were a result of jealousy of my fertile myrtle friends; neither guilt nor envy were the source of the guilt.
The guilt evolved from an overwhelming feeling of failure. Each successful pregnancy my friends achieved so quickly led me to believe that I was less of a woman. I once thought that if you wanted something, all you needed to do was work diligently and eventually you would succeed. Since my life revolved around trying to get pregnant for the better part of 8 years, I started to doubt that theory. In addition, I constantly questioned why I should have to work so hard for something that was supposed to come naturally and easily. Although I questioned it, I persisted and even tried changing my diet, exercise habits, turned to naturopathic medication, and of course, pursued what felt like a million fertility treatments, all in the hopes of becoming a mom. What happened most of the time? Failure.
The thought that pops into your head or at least my head was not, ‘Why does (fill in the blank of the name of a friend) get to experience pregnancy so easily when I have fought so long for it and have nothing to show for it?’ My thought was always, ‘When is it going to be my turn too?’ Failure had tainted me in many ways.
What I realized then and I still struggle with now, is the focus on perpetual failure and the mentality about it being my turn actually had me reverting back to my toddler and childhood years. I somehow expected that I was due or owed the role of mother. In reality, no one in the world is due or owed anything ever. None of us are owed success in anything. Statistics point out that failure has a greater chance in everything we pursue. We are not owed a great love, a fulfilling career, a happy home life, a great many friends or even motherhood.
Desiring and receiving do not always cohabitate. I recognize that I can perhaps easily say this as someone who finally achieved the dream of motherhood, but this is a lesson I learned a few years ago when it seemed that dream would never come to fruition.
My point is not to give up on any dream and quietly accept failure, but quite the opposite. It is because we are not owed anything that I believe we should fight the battles we believe in fighting, and with gusto. The truth is, in my opinion, fighting against failure forces introspection. Although we might not achieve whatever goal we are after, more often than not, a better version of ourselves emerges during the battle. Becoming the best version of you is never a failure. And although we are not owed anything by anyone ever, you owe it to yourself to at least put up a good fight.
The guilt evolved from an overwhelming feeling of failure. Each successful pregnancy my friends achieved so quickly led me to believe that I was less of a woman. I once thought that if you wanted something, all you needed to do was work diligently and eventually you would succeed. Since my life revolved around trying to get pregnant for the better part of 8 years, I started to doubt that theory. In addition, I constantly questioned why I should have to work so hard for something that was supposed to come naturally and easily. Although I questioned it, I persisted and even tried changing my diet, exercise habits, turned to naturopathic medication, and of course, pursued what felt like a million fertility treatments, all in the hopes of becoming a mom. What happened most of the time? Failure.
The thought that pops into your head or at least my head was not, ‘Why does (fill in the blank of the name of a friend) get to experience pregnancy so easily when I have fought so long for it and have nothing to show for it?’ My thought was always, ‘When is it going to be my turn too?’ Failure had tainted me in many ways.
What I realized then and I still struggle with now, is the focus on perpetual failure and the mentality about it being my turn actually had me reverting back to my toddler and childhood years. I somehow expected that I was due or owed the role of mother. In reality, no one in the world is due or owed anything ever. None of us are owed success in anything. Statistics point out that failure has a greater chance in everything we pursue. We are not owed a great love, a fulfilling career, a happy home life, a great many friends or even motherhood.
Desiring and receiving do not always cohabitate. I recognize that I can perhaps easily say this as someone who finally achieved the dream of motherhood, but this is a lesson I learned a few years ago when it seemed that dream would never come to fruition.
My point is not to give up on any dream and quietly accept failure, but quite the opposite. It is because we are not owed anything that I believe we should fight the battles we believe in fighting, and with gusto. The truth is, in my opinion, fighting against failure forces introspection. Although we might not achieve whatever goal we are after, more often than not, a better version of ourselves emerges during the battle. Becoming the best version of you is never a failure. And although we are not owed anything by anyone ever, you owe it to yourself to at least put up a good fight.