Today is my daughter’s 17 month birthday, and it will forever be marked with a second event. It is the morning of what is likely my last IVF transfer day ever.
Today’s embryos are my duaghter’s twins. I guess twins are the wrong description, quadruplets? When she was "hatched," there were 4 embryos that were considered great quality, so 2 were used the first time, which miraculously resulted in our beautiful daughter and 2 were considered good enough to freeze, but not as great as the 2 that were transferred. The doubts in my mind begin with that fact. If the best two were already transferred and only 1 embryo attached, what are my chances of these other two, deemed lesser quality, attaching? I have just gone through 3 months of procedures and prep work to get me to this point, and the chances of it working are not great. This is weighing very heavy on me today and has been over the past few months. I am beyond lucky to have been blessed with one healthy child, going for a second one just makes me greedy, but the greed does not prevent me from trying. Since I have had her, I have often said, “One and done!” I sort of meant it because I doubt very highly that another miracle will happen. But I say it often to mentally prepare myself and prevent other people from asking me questions about trying again. It took over 8 years for our first miracle. And, as my doctor mentioned, I am not
getting any younger. How much longer can I keep putting my body through these procedures? There will be no more egg extractions at this point. I probably have 2 remaining eggs anyway, if I am lucky.
This round has been performed in complete secrecy. The only people who know about it are my husband and my favorite fertility center in the world. I have once again chosen to keep it a secret from my friends, colleagues, and family. Was that the right decision? I don’t know, but it is the decision I went with. It added extra stress, but I feel letting others in on the secret
would eventually add in even more stress. I will likely confess later, but for now, I can’t. My parents just spent a visit, and every night I would hide the medication, and every morning I would set out the hypodermic needles, the gauze, the alcohol wipes, and the medication itself. I hate deception, and yet, I felt it necessary. So, there it is.
I really want to have a second child, but I never planned on attempting pregnancies so close together. If it works, I have no idea how I will handle it. And yet, the thought of failure is more than I can stomach. I don’t want to go through another 2 weeks of “Am I or aren’t I pregnant?” I don’t want to go through another failed pregnancy test. I don’t want to hear the words,
“get off all your medications and expect a bleed in a few days.” I have been down that path way too many times. After my daughter, I promised myself I would never do any of this again or make myself or my husband feel these feelings
again, and yet, here we go again.
I am trying to remember every piece of advice I have read in the past about embryo transfers. I remember recommendations of eating pineapple, walnuts, Brazil nuts, drinking water at room temperature, doing yoga, avoiding all scented soaps and shampoos, ignoring news and thinking only positive thoughts. I am trying all of them. I did my normal 30 minute workout this morning and then 1:15 minutes of fertility yoga. I am not wearing makeup. I used unscented soap on my face and my body and avoided moisturizer even though this soap dried out my face. I remember the exact underwear, pants, and socks I wore during the successful transfer and am wearing them all today. My husband is wearing the same pants and shirt while we conceived our daughter. I guess that makes us both superstitious nuts.
Last night, he made a comment to me which was, “You know how you heard if you don’t know it by now (referring to preparing for a test) you’ll never know it? This is kind of the same thing. I know he is right, but I want to do more, try more, succeed more.
I spent about an hour talking to my pregnant neighbor last night and we were talking about students watching a baby move in her belly and how it startled them. Last night, I dreamed that my students saw a baby moving in my belly. Perhaps it was because of my conversation with my neighbor. That is probably the source, but I can’t help but hope that it is a premonition of my next pregnancy.
Today, as I prepare for this all important embryo transfer I am full of hope, doubt, fear, and prayer. It is a tough day. I can only control what I can control. That is the toughest part of this journey.
Perhaps my daughter will be an only child and life will be much simpler that way. At least that is what I am telling myself. One less college education to pay for, one less daycare payment as well if this is unsuccessful. And yet, I still want this more than anything else in the world. Here is hoping…May the universe dispense hope on the behalf of my loving husband, my
daughter, and me. Can lightning strike twice? Ugh, I’ll know in 2 weeks…
Today’s embryos are my duaghter’s twins. I guess twins are the wrong description, quadruplets? When she was "hatched," there were 4 embryos that were considered great quality, so 2 were used the first time, which miraculously resulted in our beautiful daughter and 2 were considered good enough to freeze, but not as great as the 2 that were transferred. The doubts in my mind begin with that fact. If the best two were already transferred and only 1 embryo attached, what are my chances of these other two, deemed lesser quality, attaching? I have just gone through 3 months of procedures and prep work to get me to this point, and the chances of it working are not great. This is weighing very heavy on me today and has been over the past few months. I am beyond lucky to have been blessed with one healthy child, going for a second one just makes me greedy, but the greed does not prevent me from trying. Since I have had her, I have often said, “One and done!” I sort of meant it because I doubt very highly that another miracle will happen. But I say it often to mentally prepare myself and prevent other people from asking me questions about trying again. It took over 8 years for our first miracle. And, as my doctor mentioned, I am not
getting any younger. How much longer can I keep putting my body through these procedures? There will be no more egg extractions at this point. I probably have 2 remaining eggs anyway, if I am lucky.
This round has been performed in complete secrecy. The only people who know about it are my husband and my favorite fertility center in the world. I have once again chosen to keep it a secret from my friends, colleagues, and family. Was that the right decision? I don’t know, but it is the decision I went with. It added extra stress, but I feel letting others in on the secret
would eventually add in even more stress. I will likely confess later, but for now, I can’t. My parents just spent a visit, and every night I would hide the medication, and every morning I would set out the hypodermic needles, the gauze, the alcohol wipes, and the medication itself. I hate deception, and yet, I felt it necessary. So, there it is.
I really want to have a second child, but I never planned on attempting pregnancies so close together. If it works, I have no idea how I will handle it. And yet, the thought of failure is more than I can stomach. I don’t want to go through another 2 weeks of “Am I or aren’t I pregnant?” I don’t want to go through another failed pregnancy test. I don’t want to hear the words,
“get off all your medications and expect a bleed in a few days.” I have been down that path way too many times. After my daughter, I promised myself I would never do any of this again or make myself or my husband feel these feelings
again, and yet, here we go again.
I am trying to remember every piece of advice I have read in the past about embryo transfers. I remember recommendations of eating pineapple, walnuts, Brazil nuts, drinking water at room temperature, doing yoga, avoiding all scented soaps and shampoos, ignoring news and thinking only positive thoughts. I am trying all of them. I did my normal 30 minute workout this morning and then 1:15 minutes of fertility yoga. I am not wearing makeup. I used unscented soap on my face and my body and avoided moisturizer even though this soap dried out my face. I remember the exact underwear, pants, and socks I wore during the successful transfer and am wearing them all today. My husband is wearing the same pants and shirt while we conceived our daughter. I guess that makes us both superstitious nuts.
Last night, he made a comment to me which was, “You know how you heard if you don’t know it by now (referring to preparing for a test) you’ll never know it? This is kind of the same thing. I know he is right, but I want to do more, try more, succeed more.
I spent about an hour talking to my pregnant neighbor last night and we were talking about students watching a baby move in her belly and how it startled them. Last night, I dreamed that my students saw a baby moving in my belly. Perhaps it was because of my conversation with my neighbor. That is probably the source, but I can’t help but hope that it is a premonition of my next pregnancy.
Today, as I prepare for this all important embryo transfer I am full of hope, doubt, fear, and prayer. It is a tough day. I can only control what I can control. That is the toughest part of this journey.
Perhaps my daughter will be an only child and life will be much simpler that way. At least that is what I am telling myself. One less college education to pay for, one less daycare payment as well if this is unsuccessful. And yet, I still want this more than anything else in the world. Here is hoping…May the universe dispense hope on the behalf of my loving husband, my
daughter, and me. Can lightning strike twice? Ugh, I’ll know in 2 weeks…