For many, many years I was in a position where I couldn't get pregnant. During those years, all of my friends had one, two, even three children. I went to everybody’s baby showers. I even threw some baby showers. I am not going to pretend I was always thrilled to be focused on other people’s babies when I so desperately wanted my own, but I was genuinely happy for everybody. Their celebrations were my celebrations and to begrudge them any of that would be ridiculously selfish and narcissistic. I would have never wanted anyone to not invite me to a baby shower because of my fertility issues. Certainly, it would have bothered me if people felt they couldn't discuss the ups and downs of pregnancy, delivery, and parenthood in front of me simply because I had not been able to experience any of it. They were my friends, this was their experience and I wanted to be a part of it all. And yet…
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I am expecting my second child. This is not a surprise to most people since I announced it in a somewhat grand way when I reached the 12 week milestone. I am at 18 weeks today and amazed that I am actually pregnant again. What amazes me more are most people’s assumptions.
Assumption Number 1: Almost everyone’s reaction to finding out that I was pregnant again was along the lines of, “Oh, I am so happy that you didn’t have to go what you went through before. Once you have a baby, your body just knows what to do.” The assumption from most people is that I did not have to resort to IVF again. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wrong, so very wrong. I have not used any form of birth control in about 12 years, okay? And yet, nothing. There is a reason for that and the reason is that I suffer from infertility. If bodies are supposed to know what to do, my body is apparently a slow learner, because this was the third IVF attempt post the delivery of my first child before it decided to “just know what to do.” When I inform people that I did additional rounds of IVF to achieve my current status, a look of shock and horror usually crosses their faces. Perhaps it is because I shared this information with only my husband and my sister, I am not sure. But the doctor visits, blood tests, scans, shots, and medications was a journey I kept insanely private. If the looks from people are rooted in sympathy for my experience, that is just silly. It worked, didn’t it? No need to feel sorry for me! And on this note, if one more person tells me that she knew someone who went through something like me and then magically without assistance got pregnant again, I might not be able to control my verbal response. Truthfully, it is hurtful. It makes it sound as though my journey to motherhood was not special. Believe me, it was plenty special and I don’t need my experience minimized by anyone. Assumption Number 2: I want to hear how your praying for me is the reason I am pregnant. Let me be clear, I don’t. Prayer is wonderful. However, I put my body through an awful lot for someone else to take credit for me being pregnant. I am not denying a higher power’s involvement, but without my doctor, patient coordinator, medicine, science, and my husband’s love and support, I would not be pregnant. It took a village to make another child, the spirited world might have lent a helping hand, but please, someone else asking for it on my behalf does not deserve attention at this time. Assumption Number 3: The second pregnancy is much easier. I won’t laugh again because it has not been funny. The level of sickness I have and continue to have with this pregnancy is so much more severe this time around. Standing for more than 2 minutes in one spot is torture, the nausea, oh dear…There were many days I spent crying in the bathroom and wondering how I could teach for a minute, never mind a whole day feeling as I do. Regardless, I have no right to complain because I am beyond fortunate to be pregnant. But just because I haven’t complained every second of every minute of every day, although I have complained plenty since telling people, (sorry about that) please don’t assume that all is just ducky this time around. Besides, most people only want to hear how wonderful a pregnant woman feels. When asked how I am doing, if honest, I usually receive a disapproving look, especially from the men out there… Assumption Number 4: I am going to find out what gender the baby is this time because it is my second time. First of all, I will find out, when he/she arrives. There is nothing wrong with being a bit traditional and wanting to wait to meet the little one before knowing if my daughter is going to have a baby brother or sister. We are not going to pick blue or pink for the nursery. The baby will be sleeping with us for a long time before going off to his/her own room anyway. The onesies can be bought by a good friend after the birth like last time. Everything has been so choreographed for us; please don’t harass us for wanting to hold on to the one delightful surprise that we get to have. Assumption Number 5: We will know what to do this time around. Definitely not, we are still figuring out on a daily basis how to deal with a 2 ½ year old. Having two children terrifies the control freak in me, but thrills me beyond belief for the reminder that I can actually control very little. Assumption Number 6: Everyone is thrilled for me. Honestly, I am guilty of assuming this would be the case. However, there have been many people who have been less than thrilled at my announcement. Luke warm at best. Those people I shall not identify, but I know who they are and it has stung. Whether or not a woman had to use medical interventions or not, pregnancy is a miracle. It should be one that is celebrated, not only upon discovery of the miracle, but the entire pregnancy and beyond. Assumption Number 7: All assumptions lead to eventual understanding. I hope I am not wrong… To all of my infertile and fertile friends out there, Happy Mother’s Day! However you came to be a mom, or if you are still working on making that dream a reality, know you have my full support and love, assumption free! |