For many, many years I was in a position where I couldn't get pregnant. During those years, all of my friends had one, two, even three children. I went to everybody’s baby showers. I even threw some baby showers. I am not going to pretend I was always thrilled to be focused on other people’s babies when I so desperately wanted my own, but I was genuinely happy for everybody. Their celebrations were my celebrations and to begrudge them any of that would be ridiculously selfish and narcissistic. I would have never wanted anyone to not invite me to a baby shower because of my fertility issues. Certainly, it would have bothered me if people felt they couldn't discuss the ups and downs of pregnancy, delivery, and parenthood in front of me simply because I had not been able to experience any of it. They were my friends, this was their experience and I wanted to be a part of it all. And yet…
I was out with a bunch of friends the other day and many questions were asked of me and my pregnancy. People are usually a bit curious as to what IVF is all about and what it is like to not only achieve pregnancy once, but twice, etc. through less than natural methods. I love the questions I receive as a pregnant woman because I never thought I would have the opportunity to answer questions as a pregnant woman! The subject changed and that was that, or so I thought.
The following day, one of my friends commented, “You know, I am not sure you noticed, but (I’ll call her Jane) Jane goes silent every time someone mentions children or babies. I am not sure if she is suffering from infertility or can’t have children. Perhaps it would be best, if, you know, be happy for yourself, but maybe you could just not discuss the pregnancy.”
Ouch.
First of all, if anyone understands what it is like to be in an infertile position, I am certainly that person. Second of all, how dare anyone tell me that I should do anything less than shout from the rooftops every second of every minute of every day over my current status. It is beyond a miracle and it took a lot of sacrifice, pain, and tears to get to this point. Don’t rain on my parade of happy!
In all honesty, I can’t get the message from my friend out of my head. Should I change the subject any time anyone asks me a question about being pregnant? Perhaps I should just never discuss it in order to make certain I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Or…should I embrace my joy and try to spread it? I wonder if other women have been told to keep a lid on happiness and what the reaction was from them. My reaction is a mixture of anger, hurt, dismay, topped with a smattering of guilt. I would rather go back to just being happy, but now I don’t know if I can.
Shout away. I love your story. The only reason I have a child of my own is because I read your story and it inspired me to keep trying. I hope you are thrown multiple and spectacular amazing baby showers for this second miracle. I have noticed with your posts that people do not seem to be rallying around you the way they should. I hope they read this and recognize a need for action. This is a miracle. Enjoy it! Anyone who tells you something else is really not someone who gets what you have been through to get where you are.
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Author
Merryl Polak is the author of Murphy Lives Here, a story about her struggle with the pursuit of motherhood. After struggling with infertility for almost 9 years, she finds that parenting struggles have followed her infertility struggles perfectly!