When I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant, loads of friends made the following statements to me in an effort to be supportive and optimistic. Although I understood that their hearts were in the right place, each time one of the statements below was uttered by a friend, it felt like a condescending slap in the face. One of the many reasons I wrote Murphy Lives Here was to educate those who have not had the unfortunate reality of infertility understand what it feels like. Empathy for something unfamiliar is difficult, so I hope this list helps the cause.
1) You will get pregnant when you stop trying.
Okay, this is the absolute worst statement out there. No one trying to get pregnant ever stops trying to get pregnant, ever. Each time you have “relations” with your husband your mind automatically wanders to the hope that maybe this was finally the time everything worked. There is no on and off switch in wanting to have a baby. It is permanently in the on position. It is as helpful a statement as, “When you stop looking for love, it will find you.” No one ever stops looking for love.
2) If you just relax, you will get pregnant.
See number 1 and you will understand that relaxation is not an option. Again, no on and off switch are available for this.
3) God has a plan.
So maybe this is true, but such sentiment does not help heal the aching heart of a woman who longs to have a baby.
4) Whatever is meant to be will be.
That is just a nice way of telling someone that she needs to accept her fate and deal with it. Well guess what, I disagree with that sentiment. As I said in my book, such a statement makes it seem as though one should just sit back and wait for life to come at you. Such an attitude never changes your fate. The only circumstances that change your current situation is doing something, not resigning yourself to let fate take over.
5) My friend was in the same situation, but then…
We infertile ladies have heard every story and have had every hope that we could someday be an anecdote for another. This statement demeans a woman’s individual struggle. Trust me when I say that no two women’s infertility struggles are the same.
6) You are lucky you have such a great husband. Count your blessings.
No truer statement was ever spoken. I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I tell him so all of the time. However, having blessings in one department in your life does not negate the desire for other blessings as well.
7) When I was supposed to adopt a baby and a few people knew about it I heard, “As soon as you adopt your child, you are going to get pregnant.”
And if the adoption had happened and I did get pregnant immediately afterwards, no one would have been more thrilled than me. The likelihood was not there and once again, demeaned my situation.
8) When you finally have a baby, you are going to long for the days you did not have one.
This one is just plain negative, mean, and hurtful in every way. And now that I have a baby I am happy to say it is not true.
9) At least you will never know the pain of labor.
This statement is salt in the wound. I understand what people meant because yes, labor is extremely painful. C-sections (in my experience) are horrific. Regardless, losing a child or never being able to have one is far more painful in other ways.
10) Everything happens for a reason.
Personal philosophies are different for everyone. I personally abhor this statement. So, what was the reason for my miscarriages? What was the reason for my adoption loss? And while I am at it, what is the reason for cancer, terrorism, hate, and drunk driving? Sometimes, things just happen and they just suck. Instead of uttering such a phrase, let me offer an alternative, “I am so sorry that (fill in appropriate situation) happened to you. That is terrible. I am here for you if you need to scream, yell, cry, or complain.”
I hope everyone that reads this blog entry has gained a bit of insight in regards to what to say and what not to say to anyone struggling with infertility. I think many of the statements apply to other issues as well including death, divorce, getting dumped, gaining weight, and just having a bad day. All of us want to know that people genuinely care for us. No words can heal any situation, but friends who truly care can absolutely improve every situation. Now that should be what is meant to be...
1) You will get pregnant when you stop trying.
Okay, this is the absolute worst statement out there. No one trying to get pregnant ever stops trying to get pregnant, ever. Each time you have “relations” with your husband your mind automatically wanders to the hope that maybe this was finally the time everything worked. There is no on and off switch in wanting to have a baby. It is permanently in the on position. It is as helpful a statement as, “When you stop looking for love, it will find you.” No one ever stops looking for love.
2) If you just relax, you will get pregnant.
See number 1 and you will understand that relaxation is not an option. Again, no on and off switch are available for this.
3) God has a plan.
So maybe this is true, but such sentiment does not help heal the aching heart of a woman who longs to have a baby.
4) Whatever is meant to be will be.
That is just a nice way of telling someone that she needs to accept her fate and deal with it. Well guess what, I disagree with that sentiment. As I said in my book, such a statement makes it seem as though one should just sit back and wait for life to come at you. Such an attitude never changes your fate. The only circumstances that change your current situation is doing something, not resigning yourself to let fate take over.
5) My friend was in the same situation, but then…
We infertile ladies have heard every story and have had every hope that we could someday be an anecdote for another. This statement demeans a woman’s individual struggle. Trust me when I say that no two women’s infertility struggles are the same.
6) You are lucky you have such a great husband. Count your blessings.
No truer statement was ever spoken. I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I tell him so all of the time. However, having blessings in one department in your life does not negate the desire for other blessings as well.
7) When I was supposed to adopt a baby and a few people knew about it I heard, “As soon as you adopt your child, you are going to get pregnant.”
And if the adoption had happened and I did get pregnant immediately afterwards, no one would have been more thrilled than me. The likelihood was not there and once again, demeaned my situation.
8) When you finally have a baby, you are going to long for the days you did not have one.
This one is just plain negative, mean, and hurtful in every way. And now that I have a baby I am happy to say it is not true.
9) At least you will never know the pain of labor.
This statement is salt in the wound. I understand what people meant because yes, labor is extremely painful. C-sections (in my experience) are horrific. Regardless, losing a child or never being able to have one is far more painful in other ways.
10) Everything happens for a reason.
Personal philosophies are different for everyone. I personally abhor this statement. So, what was the reason for my miscarriages? What was the reason for my adoption loss? And while I am at it, what is the reason for cancer, terrorism, hate, and drunk driving? Sometimes, things just happen and they just suck. Instead of uttering such a phrase, let me offer an alternative, “I am so sorry that (fill in appropriate situation) happened to you. That is terrible. I am here for you if you need to scream, yell, cry, or complain.”
I hope everyone that reads this blog entry has gained a bit of insight in regards to what to say and what not to say to anyone struggling with infertility. I think many of the statements apply to other issues as well including death, divorce, getting dumped, gaining weight, and just having a bad day. All of us want to know that people genuinely care for us. No words can heal any situation, but friends who truly care can absolutely improve every situation. Now that should be what is meant to be...