When I was on my maternity leave, I knew I was granted a luxury. I had almost ten months off from work to watch my baby’s every move. As blessed as I knew I was, I was ashamed to admit that I was also crazed. Each moment was filled with questioning my every move. In addition to that, I was shocked at the incredible amount of isolation that I felt as a stay at home mom. Upon reflection, I was clearly partially responsible for the isolation.
Petrified of the germs lurking, I rarely brought my daughter out of the house for the first two months. Our pediatrician instructed my husband and me to keep her away from everyone and every public place. Of course, he told us this after we were constantly forced to wait in a germy doctor’s office, so mull over that irony for a moment…
After the two months passed, I joined a Mommy and me music class. Each week, for exactly 45 minutes, there was a sisterhood that I never knew existed. It was there that I found out that my feelings were also experiences other women were having, but it didn't reduce the guilt I felt for feeling anything other than grateful at every moment. Many moments were pure gratitude, but as many wonderful moments as I had at home, I felt like a piece of me was missing because I did not have my students too.
Now that I am back at work, there is a whole host of issues that I had previously heard about but never truly understood. Don’t get me wrong, I love being back at work. I love my students and my colleagues. I want to be a great teacher. I also want to be a great mother. The problem is that I don’t know how I am supposed to do both jobs well. I work with two other new moms and I can assure you, they are much better at the balance than me.
And every day, on my way to work, I pass the building of the mommy and me music class and it hurts. Each morning, I realize how much I miss the days I had endless time to spend with my daughter. I miss the time when my only responsibility was making sure I was the best mother I could be. I have even considered taking a different route to work, just so I could avoid the guilt pangs I feel each time I pass the music class. Every time I see it, I recognize that I didn’t appreciate every moment the way I should have.
Fast forward to today. Today is a day that I have off from work. I have been blessed to spend a day alone with my daughter and it brings back all of the memories from my maternity leave. The way we play has changed as she is much more mobile, but the closeness, the love, the looks, the every moment is the same. Of course, perhaps I only appreciate it as much as I do now because I recognize that it is not something I can do every day.
I was certain I wanted to return to work, and I am still certain it is the right financial and emotional decision for me and my family. If only I could be equally certain on how to find that balance I keep hearing about…
Petrified of the germs lurking, I rarely brought my daughter out of the house for the first two months. Our pediatrician instructed my husband and me to keep her away from everyone and every public place. Of course, he told us this after we were constantly forced to wait in a germy doctor’s office, so mull over that irony for a moment…
After the two months passed, I joined a Mommy and me music class. Each week, for exactly 45 minutes, there was a sisterhood that I never knew existed. It was there that I found out that my feelings were also experiences other women were having, but it didn't reduce the guilt I felt for feeling anything other than grateful at every moment. Many moments were pure gratitude, but as many wonderful moments as I had at home, I felt like a piece of me was missing because I did not have my students too.
Now that I am back at work, there is a whole host of issues that I had previously heard about but never truly understood. Don’t get me wrong, I love being back at work. I love my students and my colleagues. I want to be a great teacher. I also want to be a great mother. The problem is that I don’t know how I am supposed to do both jobs well. I work with two other new moms and I can assure you, they are much better at the balance than me.
And every day, on my way to work, I pass the building of the mommy and me music class and it hurts. Each morning, I realize how much I miss the days I had endless time to spend with my daughter. I miss the time when my only responsibility was making sure I was the best mother I could be. I have even considered taking a different route to work, just so I could avoid the guilt pangs I feel each time I pass the music class. Every time I see it, I recognize that I didn’t appreciate every moment the way I should have.
Fast forward to today. Today is a day that I have off from work. I have been blessed to spend a day alone with my daughter and it brings back all of the memories from my maternity leave. The way we play has changed as she is much more mobile, but the closeness, the love, the looks, the every moment is the same. Of course, perhaps I only appreciate it as much as I do now because I recognize that it is not something I can do every day.
I was certain I wanted to return to work, and I am still certain it is the right financial and emotional decision for me and my family. If only I could be equally certain on how to find that balance I keep hearing about…