Testing Day
My HCG blood test is today. I have a home pregnancy test sitting in a box, but I haven’t used it. I want to, but I already know what the result is going to read so I am restraining myself from doing so.
My school begins very early and I could not get an appointment with Quest until after school. I am debating whether or not I should just drive over there and try to be a walk in or not. I would then learn officially by the end of the day. If I wait until 3:30, I won’t get the official blood work results until tomorrow.
An extra day is an extra day of hope, fear, deep longing, and torture all rolled into one. This is it, there is no turning back, there are no re-does, we have all reached the end of the line.
I debated in bed half of the night if I should use the Home Pregnancy test this morning. For half of the evening I was not going to and the other half of the evening I couldn’t stand it any longer and was going to break down and do it.
There have been fleeting moments of hope this week. I have a few symptoms that I remember having when I was pregnant with my daughter. My interest in food is weird, as is the feeling in my digestive tract. I have felt a few sharp quick pains in the uterine area. But the majority of the week has left me feeling hopeless. I had to convince myself this morning that knowing what I already know (which is that I will see a big “No” flashing on the pregnancy test), I can’t do that to myself before going to school. I can’t see a (as we refer to it on the infertility boards) BFN (Big Fat Negative) and then try to navigate my day.
Fortunately, testing day has fallen on a Friday. Even if I decide to use the HPT later, which I still have not determined, I can wait until I am home for the weekend. I can walk around with a heavy heart, but look at my daughter and know I have nothing to complain about. If I see a “No” I am going to want to stop the fertility medication immediately. I won’t, in the slim chance the HPT is wrong, which in my situation, it has never been. So, do I find out today or tomorrow? Do I have one more day of hope or is today the day that it fizzles completely? I can’t come to a decision, which means I am probably going to enjoy those flickering moments of hope for one more day.
Yesterday was supposedly national sibling day celebrating the joys of sisterly and brotherly love. If it doesn't happen for her, her siblings will all be furry friends. That counts too, right?
My HCG blood test is today. I have a home pregnancy test sitting in a box, but I haven’t used it. I want to, but I already know what the result is going to read so I am restraining myself from doing so.
My school begins very early and I could not get an appointment with Quest until after school. I am debating whether or not I should just drive over there and try to be a walk in or not. I would then learn officially by the end of the day. If I wait until 3:30, I won’t get the official blood work results until tomorrow.
An extra day is an extra day of hope, fear, deep longing, and torture all rolled into one. This is it, there is no turning back, there are no re-does, we have all reached the end of the line.
I debated in bed half of the night if I should use the Home Pregnancy test this morning. For half of the evening I was not going to and the other half of the evening I couldn’t stand it any longer and was going to break down and do it.
There have been fleeting moments of hope this week. I have a few symptoms that I remember having when I was pregnant with my daughter. My interest in food is weird, as is the feeling in my digestive tract. I have felt a few sharp quick pains in the uterine area. But the majority of the week has left me feeling hopeless. I had to convince myself this morning that knowing what I already know (which is that I will see a big “No” flashing on the pregnancy test), I can’t do that to myself before going to school. I can’t see a (as we refer to it on the infertility boards) BFN (Big Fat Negative) and then try to navigate my day.
Fortunately, testing day has fallen on a Friday. Even if I decide to use the HPT later, which I still have not determined, I can wait until I am home for the weekend. I can walk around with a heavy heart, but look at my daughter and know I have nothing to complain about. If I see a “No” I am going to want to stop the fertility medication immediately. I won’t, in the slim chance the HPT is wrong, which in my situation, it has never been. So, do I find out today or tomorrow? Do I have one more day of hope or is today the day that it fizzles completely? I can’t come to a decision, which means I am probably going to enjoy those flickering moments of hope for one more day.
Yesterday was supposedly national sibling day celebrating the joys of sisterly and brotherly love. If it doesn't happen for her, her siblings will all be furry friends. That counts too, right?