Since I had to wait a long time to become a mom, I had the opportunity to take many mental notes over the years about the type of parent I did and did not want to become. Now that I am the mom of a very active almost-three year old, I am positive I was a much better parent with the imaginary child in my head than I am in reality. Since we are about to add a second child to the mix, I jumped at the chance to join a parenting group/book club this summer. The book of focus is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. In a nutshell, the book and the discussions have me rethinking not only the way I talk to my daughter, but how I interact with my students and pretty much everyone around me.
A lot can be said about my personality and I know this because a lot has been said directly to me. Most often, people will tell me I am kind, organized, quiet, enthusiastic, driven, but I am also known for my honesty. I thought my honesty was a good quality. However, the communication methods championed by this book have made me rethink this fact.
Some suggestions (paraphrased and simplified) from the book:
· Acknowledge your children’s feelings, even if they tell you that the dinner you cooked is disgusting, accuse you of being mean or hating you, etc.
· Let children learn/discover consequences on their own instead of reminding them if they had done something differently, the outcome would have been different.
· Don’t initially offer advice even when asked, as it will arrest their development. Let them ponder and problem solve first.
· Avoid punishments in all forms.
· Do not stereotype your children. Resist from labeling a child as smart, scared, etc. because inevitably, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Many of the methods shy away from communicating exactly what you are feeling about the behavior of your child. Instead of asking a child what she was thinking when she left the garbage all over the floor, one is encouraged to state, “I see garbage all over the floor that needs to be picked up.” So although the honesty is still there, the delivery of the message needs to be revamped from judgment to fact. Instead of accusing, you are just stating the situation. It is kinder, yes?
I admit the judgment is not necessary, but, I am terrified refraining from it might lead to the entitlement problems I see a lot of in this world. For example, if my child starts accusing her teacher of being mean because she earned a zero on something she never turned in, I will have a very difficult time accepting and acknowledging her feelings. What I will be thinking is that she needs to accept responsibility for her actions and learn from her error. However, I would be discouraged from saying anything of the sort. According to the authors, allowing a child to have feelings acknowledged will inspire self-reflection and lead to necessary epiphanies. My fear: What if it doesn't? I don’t have the answers, but I do know dedicating myself to these methods might present a philosophical uphill battle for me from time to time.
The truth is, I have already tried to use many of the suggested methods in this book, but it takes creativity, resourcefulness, and often, a major amount of repressing every single instinct I have. There have been a few victories halting tantrums and improving the bedtime routine. Epic failures have also abounded when I have attempted the strategies touted in the book, but I likely did not execute them as well I should have. Indeed, when this has happened, with second chances, successes have also been had. And okay, I admit it, second failures have resulted as well, but they have just energized me to find another way to achieve successful outcomes.
The philosophies lauded by the authors in this book (and the additional titles also scribed by the authors) make a lot of sense. If I truly embrace this new communication tool, I have to essentially relearn my language. Can I even do that? I think so, but it is not going to be easy. Of course, parenting is not easy, so it stands to reason that trying to improve parenting skills should also pose great challenges.
The authors are emphatic in their philosophies and there does not seem room for other methods in parenting. So, again I ask, is there one right way to do anything? I have always been of the mindset there is never one best way to do anything, but for the first time in my life, I now question what I have always thought to be true…
Not only isn't there a right way to be a parent, each child requires different parenting from the same parent. So, with one kid, you might feel like you got the parenting stuff down; then the second comes along and you realize you have to learn to parent that kid. And, there's probably fifty different ways you could parent each and not have the kid end up miserable. And no one parents a three year old well because the kid is three and will undermine everything one tries. My advice? Don't sweat it. You'll get it right sometimes. You'll get it wrong sometimes. That's the way it is.
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Merryl
7/24/2014 12:54:06 am
Terrific advice, and I thank you for reminding me it is ok to get it wrong sometimes too. I probably will get it wrong much more frequently than I will get it right.
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brenda
7/25/2014 02:58:56 pm
While reading your beautifully written essay regarding the challenges of parenting concientiously, it struck me that the strategies suggested in the book and your continued attempts to implement them with your daughter, implies an answer to the question you pose: Is there a right way to parent?
Clearly there is more than one right way and the authors of that classic book designed the strategies with that concept in mind. However, there are also ways to parent that are unhelpful and potentially harmful. This is your fear and the fear of most (if not all) parents. You will make mistakes and so will your daughter. There are no perfect parents, you didn't get them, and neither will she. But that's okay.
In my opinion, your openness to take in new information, apply it, persevere through less than successful attempts, and viewing those attempts as a scaffold to better outcomes in the future, is what matters.
When you allow yourself to be as vulnerable as your daughter, that is-being in the place of a learner, you can gain the compassion and empathy it takes to be an effective parent. You can't control your child, or anyone else, but you can influence a great deal. By modeling the aforementioned behaviors you are influencing beyond measure.
How does it feel for you when you've made a mistake and someone listens with empathy? Doesn't call you a complainer? Let's you hear yourself think? Doesn't say, "Oh, your pain isn't as bad as you say it is"? Let's you feel it instead of trying to take it away? Have you ever really learned anything in a place of comfort?
Merryl, you are doing the hard work of learning and so is your daughter. Soon you will have two children, giving you more curriculum! Won't that be fun? It will, along with being scary, frustrating, sad, confusing, exciting and downright miraculous.
If you continue along your chosen path, not being afraid to do this difficult work and being comfortable in the hardest place a human being can be in...the gray, you will be giving your children the best kind of parent. The gray is so scary because it's the place between black and white. The shady place of no right or wrong, a frightening place of second guessing and not knowing for sure. If you act on your principles, think about what you want to teach, yourself and your children, and be gentle with yourself, you'll have done your job.
I have the highest hopes for the children, and eventual adults, you've been entrusted to raise.
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Author
Merryl Polak is the author of Murphy Lives Here, a story about her struggle with the pursuit of motherhood. After struggling with infertility for almost 9 years, she finds that parenting struggles have followed her infertility struggles perfectly!